Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
