I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
