A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
