cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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