I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
its liver damage thursday
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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