Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
