So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
