your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
