My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
