I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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