i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
