Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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