he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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