i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
