I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
