if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
