Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want nice things and good sex
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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