wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
