When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
