and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
