Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
