The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The police scanner is talking about you again....
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
