I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
