apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
