well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
