I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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