Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm both gender and math confused
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
