Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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