When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
