I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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