dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
