I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
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