If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
