My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
