I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
