I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
