I swear she didn't look like that last week.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
