Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So many bounce houses so little time
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
