i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
