Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
