i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
