Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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