if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
