Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
