He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
