I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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