My Higher Power is John Stamos
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
