If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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