Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
