Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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