I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You smell like stripper and shame
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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